


“Truth or Dare? Dare to Truth!”

by 221blackandwhitestripes



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics), Gotham (TV)
Genre: Dark Crack, Dramatic Edward Nygma, Drinking Games, Drunken Kissing, Drunkenness, Fluff and Humor, Gay, Kissing, Light-Hearted, M/M, Rhyming, Secret Santa, Torture, Truth or Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:02:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28629252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/221blackandwhitestripes/pseuds/221blackandwhitestripes
Summary: What starts as a drinking game turns into one of the most memorable nights of Edward Nygma's life.
Relationships: Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma
Comments: 6
Kudos: 44





	“Truth or Dare? Dare to Truth!”

**Author's Note:**

> For Andre!!!!
> 
> Happy New Year! You wanted Ed appreciating Oswald, and I hope this delivers on that XD
> 
> Please enjoy!

“It’s a game,” Oswald said, tongue dragging across his bottom lip in a Siren’s temptation, “You like games, right?”

Ed liked games, but he liked making Penguin smile more, so he leaned against the table with an intrusive stare. “My, my, Mr. Penguin, a game for two, but what prize is up for grabs if I win or you?”

Oswald rolled his eyes, flicking his elbow where it pressed against the wood. “Irrefutable friendship?”

Ed faked a swoon, rolling his eyes back for maximum drama, “What an offer, one I surely cannot refuse! So, accept I do, my soon to be pal!”

Penguin snorted, but shook his hand he did, leather gloves catching at Ed’s exposed skin. “You can start.”

“Okay, very well.” Ed tapped his hands against his legs, “Hmm… What is,” He waggled his eyebrows, “My favourite colour?”

Oswald sighed, gesturing for a drink. “You’re supposed to ask _hard_ questions, my parakeet, that’s the point.”

“Are you questioning my judgement?” Ed gasped. “Surely not! You must know I am starting off easy on purpose! We must always give those less capable a _fair_ head start!”

Oswald’s expression devolved into a scowl as he hissed, “You’re a pain and a half, Nygma.” Ed grinned his agreement. “Very well, I pick _blue_.”

“Cor– Wait.” Ed frowned, then stomped his foot. “You chose wrong on purpose!”

“Like you said,” Oswald shrugged, “We must always give those less capable a fair head start.”

Oswald had twisted his own joke against him! _Clever_. But that wouldn’t last long for sure!

“Very well,” he accepted, looking down his nose, “You may choose; truth or dare?”

“Truth,” Oswald chose. _Of course._

“Goodie!” Ed pressed his clasped hands to his mouth, pondering what the most punishing question he could ask would be. “Okay! How old were you when you fell in love with me?” Ed stuck a pose, tilting his chin up.

“31.” Oswald smirked. “My turn.”

Ed pouted, crossing his arms. “Shoulda known you rigged this game.”

Oswald snorted. “How could I have possibly rigged this?”

“You and your mind tricks, you’re always rigging things!” he insisted, “Booby traps! Bombs! Card games!”

Oswald rolled his eyes. “Are you ready or what?”

Ed sniffed. “I’m always ready, it’s simply your fault for not being aware of it.”

Oswald shook his head and took the drink that the waiter had run up with, swallowing a mouthful. “Okay, so,” he cracked his neck, “What… was my mother’s name?”

Ed pursed his lips, leaning over the table. “Are you seriously suggesting I don’t remember your mother’s name?”

Oswald shrugged. “Who am I to say?”

Ed rolled his eyes. “Gertrud Kapelput. Now, truth or dare.”

Oswald pondered for a moment, stirring his drink with his straw. “Dare.”

Ed grinned. “I dare you… to take off your tie.”

Oswald laughed (damn, what a laugh), shaking his head. “Sure, whatever.”

Ed held up his hand. “But do it _slowly_.”

Oswald rolled his eyes but slowed his hands nonetheless.

Ed began to hum, drumming a beat on the table. Oswald flicked his hair out of his face, shimmying a little as he _slowly_ untwisted the knot. Ed whooped, drawing eyes to their table. Oswald finally pulled the fabric from his collar with a tug of his thumb. Like the rising of Christ, he revealed the skin of his neck.

Ed swooned, fanning himself. “ _What_ a specimen.”

“You’re a disgrace to leprechauns everywhere,” Oswald grumbled, folding the tie and pushing it into his breast pocket. 

“Aww, I don’t get to keep it?” Ed pouted.

“Depends on how good your question is,” he smirked, “Shoot.”

Luckily, Ed had been quietly coming up with a list in the back of his mind. 

“Okay,” he cracked his knuckles dramatically, “ **How**...” A small pause, for emphasis, “–Many relationships have I been in?” He smirked. Oswald only _thought_ he knew the answer, but Ed was no stickler for handing out the truth willy-nilly. Oswald couldn’t possibly–

“Seven.”

“What the actual fuck?!” Ed slammed his hands on the table, causing the ice in Oswald’s glass to rattle.

“Eddie, _please_ ,” he tutted, that unfairly attractive smirk twisting his lips as he took a cool sip of his drink, “Calm yourself.”

Ed cleared his throat and tried valiantly to appear unaffected. Nope, that was certainly a lost cause. “How on Earth did you know?”

“You don’t remember?” Oswald asked.

“Obviously not!”

“Eddie, volume.” Ed looked at his own drink and wondered when it had become empty. Hmm. Perhaps he was slightly compromised. “It was last year. You were up to your eyeballs in the coke you stole from police lock up. You kept insisting that if they can’t find the coke then they can’t technically arrest you.”

Ed pursed his lips. “Perhaps that is a thing I would do.”

“You think?” He snorted, “Anyway, you basically insisted on talking about your love life. And mine. And your sex life. And mine. And, for some reason, why you refuse to buy dildos.” Oswald shook his head. “You really shouldn’t tell me everything, Ed, it’s bad for our relationship.”

“So you dare suggest that a coked-up me overshares? That is a bold claim!” He sniffed.

“Is it?” Oswald tilted his head. “Four girlfriends, two boyfriends, one partner.”

“Yes, I know you know–”

“Six one-night-stands, three “arrangements” and one questionable encounter that,” Oswald shook his head, “How do you even end up in an orgy in the park?”

“You can’t blame me for that!” Ed insisted. “I didn’t know those people would be there!”

“ _You chose to stay,_ ” Oswald hissed.

“I was running from a police officer! I was concerned for my health!”

Oswald grinned. “How are you even possible?”

Ed grinned back. “Miracles happen every day, Treasure. Every single day.”

Oswald huffed. “For fuck’s sake, pick truth or dare already.”

“Oh, Ozzie, I _love_ it when you curse,” he purred, “Very well, dare I should think.”

Oswald leaned back, looking him up and down. He took a sip of his drink. Set it down again. Stared some more. “Okay. Ready?”

“Extremely.”

“I dare you,” Oswald licked his lips and Ed followed the movement with his eyes, “To kiss my shoe.”

Ed swallowed, shifting in his seat. “Which shoe?”

“Your pick,” Oswald popped his bottom lip, and he _had_ to know that Ed loved it when he did that, it was a cruelty, _surely_.

“Very well.” Ed kept his eyes on Oswald’s as he slowly sank to the floor, crawling up to his feet. The leather glistened in the club’s dancing lights, teasing him. Tilting his head, Ed chose the right one for propriety’s sake.

“Your lordship,” he waggled his eyebrows at Oswald’s smirk then bowed his head, licking along the leather.

Oswald burst out laughing. “I said kiss it, not lick it!”

“Excuse me, this is _how_ I kiss,” Ed told him, sitting back on his haunches, “You would know if you kissed me more often.”

Oswald rolled his eyes. “Well, from up here, your kiss looks rather _french_.”

Ed grinned. “Vive la différence!” He placed a final smooch to the shoe before getting up properly. “Fantastic dare, my friend.”

“Yeah, looks like you enjoyed that more than me,” Oswald chuckled.

“Well, one can never be sure,” Ed purred, swiping his bottom lip with his thumb.

“Sit down,” Oswald laughed, “Before someone makes you.”

“Yessir.” Ed winked, but he sat. _Who was he to disobey?_ “Your turn to ask a question.”

Oswald smacked his lips. “Sure. Where did I go to school?”

Ed blinked.

Then blinked again.

“You are a monster!” he slammed the table again, “How dare you! You know I don’t know!”

“That’s the _point_ , Ed,” he giggled. The bastard.

Ed discreetly pulled out his phone. “So, um, what year–”

“No googling!” he snapped.

“Fu-uh-uck!” This was so unfair. Ed pouted into his empty drink.

“Come on, Ed.”

He refused to look up.

“Eddiee…”

Nope.

“You have to answerrrr….”

“Existence is pain and I regret signing up for it.”

“No one signed up for it,” Oswald pointed out. “Just guess.”

“Fine,” Ed mumbled. “You went to… Gotham grammar school.”

Oswald gasped. “Oh. My. God.”

“I got it right!” Ed squealed, lifting his head up.

“Not even close!” He laughed. 

Ed stood up. “I’m out! I’m leaving!” He exclaimed, slowly turning away.

“Oh, Eddie, come here,” Oswald cooed, taking his hand. “Stay. If you choose dare, I’ll make it something nice.”

Ed side-eyed him carefully. “You promise?”

“Absolutely.”

“Okay then.” He sat back down. “I choose dare.”

Oswald smiled. “I dare you to close your eyes.”

Ed pursed his lips. “What are you going to do?”

“Just trust me,” Oswald insisted.

“I hate you.” Ed closed his eyes. The club’s beat began to register again. People moving, talking, dancing. Then, softly, a pair of lips graced his cheeks. 

“You’re pretty cute, Ed,” they whispered in his ear.

Ed hated that he blushed. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that for both our sakes.” He opened his eyes and Oswald was grinning.

“Your turn.”

Ed thought for a long moment, hands clenched in fists. He needed that tie. He would succeed in his mission to intercept it! Everything was riding on this question!

“What…” He licked his lips, lifting his head so he could stare at Oswald for a moment. He took in that strip of neck. He _needed_ this. “What was my first word?”

Oswald stared at him for a long, long moment. Then, slowly, he grinned. “Good one.”

“I know,” Ed agreed, shifting his butt so he could sit up straighter, elbows perched on the table in front of him. “Care to take a stab?”

“ _Was_ it stab?” Oswald chucked.

“Come, Oswald,” he rolled his eyes with a giggle, “Take it seriously.”

“Okay, okay,” Oswald took a sip of his drink, “How about…” he suddenly grinned, “Wrong.”

Ed burst out laughing. “Oh, you.”

Oswald laughed too. “Fine, what is it?”

“No.”

Oswald raised his eyebrows. “Huh?”

“That was my first word,” Ed clarified.

“No, _of course_ ,” Oswald laughed, leaning back in his seat. “I mean, I was close, wasn’t I?”

“So _close_ ,” Ed purred, leaning closer, “But you still have to pick truth or dare now.” He dragged a finger down Oswald’s shoulder to his pocket, fingering at where the tie peeked out playfully. He glanced up at the King through his eyelashes. “What’ll it be?”

Oswald licked his bottom lip, _slowly_. “Truth.”

“ _Fuck!_ ” Ed pulled away. “Must you always thwart me, so?”

“Oh, but I know how much you like to be thwarted,” Oswald teased, licking the liquid off his straw, “I could thwart you for _hours_.”

“Hours?” Ed raised an eyebrow.

“ _Days_ ,” Oswald confirmed, “And the nights too.”

Ed shook his head with a smile. “Fine, truth it is.” He tapped his lip, thinking for a moment. “How many of your staff have you fucked?”

“Ed,” Oswald hissed, pulling away disapprovingly.

Ed giggled, putting his hand up to wave over the bartender. “You have to answer.”

“Is this current staff?”

“Grasshopper, please.”

“Or, like, anyone who's ever been in my employ?” Oswald was staring at the shiny tabletop like he was trying to calculate the diameter of God. “And by fucking, what do you mean? You have to specify.”

Ed tapped his fingers over the magical spot Oswald was staring at. “ _Current_ employees. And anal, I guess.”

“Hah! That makes it easier!” He grinned, leaning back in his seat. “I've only fucked two.”

Ed licked his lips, suddenly feeling a spike of fury at these two unnamed individuals. Had they known how lucky they were to have Penguin there with them, naked, gyrating? A hot, sweaty mess worthy of lapping up like an ice cream. “I suppose you save the fucking for the _really_ special ones.”

Oswald smirked. “Well, they _have_ been in my employ for a while.”

Ed didn't so much smile as bare his teeth, leaning closer. “Which ones are they?”

Oswald’s eyes glittered, and for a moment Ed really believed he might say something. But he quickly tutted, shaking his head. “Now, now Ed. That's another question!”

“Dang it.” Ed hissed, hanging his head.

“I know, I know,” Oswald chuckled, “Foiled again, right?”

“Where's my damn drink?” Ed put his hand up, clicking his fingers impatiently.

“Yes, I'm sure more alcohol will help.” Oswald laughed into his own glass.

“Well, it'll do _something_ ,” he muttered. He waited for the bartender to rush over with the drink so he could take a large sip before gesturing for Oswald to continue the proceedings.

“Okay,” Oswald chuckled, swallowing the rest of his drink and handing the glass off to the bartender to be refilled. “My turn to ask the question.”

“Yup,” Ed popped his P, tasting the liquor on his lower lip.

“Good,” He grinned that delectable grin, “So; What is my actual hair colour?”

Ed blinked. Then blinked again. “What is your actual…”

“Hair colour, yes.” Oswald’s smirk danced in his eyes as he turned to accept his new drink from the bartender and take a sip.

This had to be a trick question, right? Oswald’s hair was black. Or, at least, dark brown. He’d dyed the tips different colours before, but that was all.

Perhaps the question was easy on purpose. Maybe Oswald wanted to be asked “truth or dare” again. That would make a lot of sense. But Riddler refused to fall for it! He would answer wrong on purpose and–

Unless that was what Oswald wanted him to do. Oswald _knew_ Ed would be confused by the simplicity and assume the answer would be something else. And then it would turn out that the simple answer was the correct one and Ed would look like an utter fool! Ed wouldn’t stand for it!

“Your hair is very, very dark brown,” he stated. “And that is a fact.”

Oswald swirled his drink and downed the rest, smacking it back down on the table. “Wrong!”

Ed almost threw his drink at him. “What?! What do you mean it’s wrong?! Your hair is black, Oswald! It’s always been black!”

“Not for the first 13 years of my life, my friend!” Oswald grinned.

“Then what?” Ed sputtered.

“I’m a natural blonde,” Oswald preened, running his hand through his dark hair, “Best believe it.”

“I don’t,” Ed pouted, crossing his arms, “I bet you’re cheating.”

“I’m not,” Oswald told him, “I’ll show you a photo later.”

Ed rolled his eyes but mumbled “Fine,” because really would like to see that photo. Maybe he could see one where Oswald’s hair was dyed but his roots were showing? Now, _that_ held a lot of appeal.

“So, _Ed,_ ” Oswald waggled his eyebrows, “Truth or dare?”

“Oh, _great._ ” Ed took the time to finish his own drink and hand it off for another before answering. “I don’t even care anymore.”

“Yes, you do,” Oswald giggled, somewhat drunkenly, “You’re having fun, I know it.”

“Maybe that’s more about the company than the activity,” Ed pointed out with a quirk of his eyebrows.

Oswald shook his head and giggled. “Just pick one.”

“Fine,” Ed shrugged, glancing to the side as a new drink appeared in front of him, “Truth.” Oswald’s eyes instantly lit up and Ed had a horrible feeling that he chose wrong. “Oh God.”

“No, no,” Oswald giggled, “You’ll like this question,” he reached across the table, stroking Ed’s arm in a way somewhere between comforting and teasing, “I promise.”

“‘Course you do.” He snagged his bottom lip with his teeth, chewing it nervously. “Fine: Shoot.”

Oswald laughed a little, playing with Ed’s sleeve like it was his toy. And it was beneath his lowered eyelashes when he looked up, tonguing his bottom lip. “Would you,” His lips twitched, “Suck my dick if I asked?”

Ed's heart stuttered then _pounded_ , heat painting his cheeks. “Um. Yes.”

Oswald looked at him for a long, long moment, and Ed felt like a fish wriggling on hook, held captive in his gaze, ready to be gutted. “Interesting.” He slowly sat back, grabbing his drink. “I’m going to hold onto that information.”

And Ed barely choked it out when he calmly asked, “Are you offering?”

Oswald smiled, eyes glittering as he took a slow sip of his drink before answering. “Nope.”

_Blink._

“Fuck.”

Oswald giggled and Ed shook his head, swallowing back the rest of his drink. “I need another.”

“How many have you had?” Oswald giggled.

“I-I…” Ed stared at his empty glass. “I don’t know. Five maybe? I can’t remember how much it’s been since this “game” began to take over my entire brain.”

“Ooh, lookie,” Oswald stuck his tongue out, “Lightweight Eddie has heightened his tolerance.”

“Sure, yes.” Ed was pretty sure he had been slurring for the past hour without noticing, but he doubted Oswald had noticed considering how drunk he was himself. Was… wasn’t there an article about that? Something… something to do with how drunk people can feel like they’re acting sober when… when they’re not. Maybe.

Dammit, he was wasted.

“Sooo...” How long had Oswald been drawing out his vowels like that? Oh god. “It’s your turn to… to come up with a question. Right?”

Ed shook his head, pressing it into his hand. “Best believe that I can’t think of a single question right now.”

Oswald giggled. Man, he’d been giggling _non-stop_. “W-we can just… just do the truth or dare thing.”

Ed giggled himself, shaking his head. “You… you just want all… all my secrets.”

“As if…” Oswald giggled, “As if I don’t know all of them.”

“Well you,” Ed snorted, “Didn’t know that my favourite colour is _green_.”

Oswald poked him. “Hey, I fucking knew that.”

Ed laughed. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Then why… why’d you say ‘blue’.” Ed shook his head disapprovingly.

“You know I chose wrong on purpose, Eddie.” Oswald stuck his tongue out.

“H-how would I know that. You-you get my riddles wrong all the time!” Ed giggled at that.

“That’s just because… because I know how much you like to tell people they’re wrong.” Oswald winked.

Ed laughed. “Aww. You… you liiiiike me.”

Oswald shrugged. “Maybe so.” Ed giggled. “Maybe… maybe I really do want you.”

Ed blinked. “Huh?”

“Maybe I'm just as into you as you want me to be. I'm just better at hiding it.”

“Oh yeah?” Ed stuttered out a breath. He was too drunk to… to process this right now.

Oswald chewed his bottom lip and Ed wanted to kiss it swollen. “Yeah.”

Ed blinked slowly. “Truth or dare?”

A swallow moved down Oswald’s throat slowly and Ed traced it with his eyes the way he wished he could trace it with his tongue. “Dare.”

Ed grinned, licking his lips slowly. “That’s what I was hoping you’d say.”

Oswald leaned closer. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Ed leaned in too, and their noses were so close they could brush. “G-give me your tie.”

Oswald’s eyes flashed with annoyance then begrudging acceptance. “Touché.” He carefully untucked the folded tie and handed it over. “Here.” Their fingers brushed and Ed savoured every moment.

“Th-thank you.” 

There was a long, long pause where Oswald stayed still, daring him with his eyes to do something. Just when Ed was considering giving in, he spoke. “What time is it?”

He glanced at his watch. “Um… 4 am.”

“Wow,” Oswald attempted a laugh, but it was deep and rumbly compared to his earlier giggles. “Past the witching hour. Better get you home.”

Ed nodded, not really wanting to leave. “Y-yeah.” He glanced up and wondered if Oswald wanted to stay here too. “Y-you... should walk me to my apartment.” His heart stuttered with the question.

Oswald raised his eyebrows. “Wouldn’t that be the blind leading the blind?” Ed laughed nervously, nodding. Oswald tilted his head. “Guess I’ll grab my umbrella.”

Outside, the night air was warm, Summer having boiled the concrete early in the day. Their arms brushed as they walked, and Ed felt his nerves dissipate as Oswald cracked a joke about Two Face and jostled his shoulder teasingly. They took shortcuts down alleyways that didn’t really make the route shorter and giggled through stories.

“How did that heist go with Harley and the others?” Oswald asked, and their elbows bumped with the way they stuck their hands in their pockets, “I didn’t even read anything about it in the paper.”

“Yeah, it turns out that they’d shut the bank down that day for maintenance,” Ed explained.

“And you just, what?” Oswald raised an eyebrow. “Walked away?”

“Oh, no,” Ed laughed, “Of course not. We stole some uniforms, went in under cover, opened up the volt. But it was dead empty.” He sighed, remembering the disappointment. “Turns out that someone got to it before us.”

“And they didn’t leave a note?” Oswald shook his head. “Rude.”

“I mean, it’s common courtesy!” Ed blustered. “I _always_ leave a calling card.”

“These must be amateurs,” Oswald scoffed, “Absolutely no class.”

Ed nodded in agreement. “See, we understand these things, Oswald. Nobody else does.”

_“Nobody else does what?”_

The rough, unfamiliar voice made their heads turn to the shadows, peering through the dark. A man leaned against the brick, a cigarette hanging between his lips, the burning end just barely bright enough to illuminate his smirk.

“We’re extremely sorry sir, we didn’t see you standing ominously in the dark over there,” Oswald purred, and Ed took a step closer to his side.

“‘Course you didn’t,” the man scoffed, stepping away from the wall and flicking his cigarette to the side, “You lot are blind to the law, aren’t you?” He flipped out his badge, the gold gleaming in the light of the street lamps.

“Pathetic,” Ed coughed and Oswald laughed.

“My friend, I may be blind in love, but blind to the law? Never.”

The man’s smirk didn’t falter as he tilted his head. “Lemme tell you a tale.” He shrugged. “Say your average run-a-the mill cop has a shitty day ‘cause his boss is up his ass for letting a fucking low-life average like Condiment boy or whatever-his-name-is go.” He chuckled. “Now say this same cop went out for a drink that night to drown his sorrows, stepped out into the alleyway to have a smoke, and found himself face-to-face with none other than Penguin and the Riddler.” He gestured to them. “What would you say he’d do then?”

Ed glanced at Oswald who batted his eyelashes prettily. “I’d say that officer better not try his luck. Especially when the Penguin and Riddler in question have committed no wrong doings in his presence. In fact, they’re not even on Gotham’s wanted list.” Oswald nudged him, hissing, “Right?”

Ed nodded reassuringly, “Right.”

“So,” Oswald smiled that smarmy you-can’t-win-against-me smile, “You have no grounds to hold us.”

The man laughed, ruffling through his pockets for tobacco and paper, taking his time to roll his cigarette as he spoke. “That may be true. But, you see here, what if that copper had the sense to say you’s _were_ doing wrong and he caught you in the act. Who would people believe? The copper? Or the two no-good criminals?” He grinned, sticking the cigarette between his teeth and fumbling for his lighter.

“Well, they’d probably believe the officer,” Oswald spoke slowly, as if to a child, “Can’t trust two no-good criminals. Even if they smell twice as clean and have ten times the class.”

The man snorted, flicking his lighter to set a flame, coaxing the end of his cigarette to light. “So, we doing this?” He shook his lighter, setting it out, shoving it into his pocket. Doing so put his firearm on display, where it sat silently on his hip. “‘Cause I’m ready when you are.”

“Oh, _please_ ,” Oswald twirled his umbrella in a windmill and laughed, and Ed knew that laugh, dreamt of that laugh, _bathed_ in that laugh, “I was ready two minutes ago.” Suddenly the umbrella stopped, end pointed straight at the cop. Not a second passed before it fired.

The cop was too slow.

The bullet struck his shoulder and he fell.

Ed’s heart hammered in his throat. “Fuck,” he huffed, turning to Oswald, “That was hot.”

Oswald stepped forward to pry the still-lit cigarette from the whimpering man’s fingers. He took a drag. “Quite.”

Ed swallowed down his want in favour for his practicality. “Now, what should we do with him?

Oswald shrugged, “Well,” He swivelled his head, “No ones around.” He turned to him with a grin that sent Ed’s blood rushing to all the right places. “Let’s have some FUN.”

It began with Oswald flicking away the cigarette and putting his hand out for Ed’s knife. Ed didn’t hesitate to slide it into his palm. “Go on, Eddie,” He purred, “Truth or dare?”

Ed giggled, feeling quite drunk again. “Dare.”

“I dare you…” Oswald cooed, “To find Mr. Copper’s handcuffs and strap him to the pole,” Oswald snatched his elbow to keep him still, “But do it _slowly_.”

Ed grinned, “Aye, aye, captain!”

The cop’s handcuffs were strapped to the otherside of his belt, and Ed took the opportunity to tickle him under his arms before swiping them.

“Very good, Eddie,” Oswald purred.

“I know.” Ed beamed. “But it brings me oh-so-much joy to hear you say it.”

Oswald rolled his eyes. “Of course it does.”

Ed snickered. “Your turn, Ozzie. Truth or dare?”

Oswald laughed. “Dare, I suppose.”

“I dare you to send a message,” Ed grinned, “And use that knife for _good_.”

Oswald shook his head. “As if I’d do anything else.” He flipped it round and round his hand before clutching the handle tight. “Let’s get down to business.”

“Oh, but business with you is always for pleasure!” Ed sang, leaning on him.

“You’re so fucking drunk,” Oswald snorted, pushing him away affectionately, “Just watch me, I don’t want you to accidentally stab his aertory or some shit. Or _yours_ for that matter.”

“Oh, don’t worry Ozzie,” Ed assured him, “I _like_ to watch.”

“Aha,” Oswald shook his head, kneeling in front of the cop.

“And to be watched,” Ed added, “And to–”

“Eddie,” Oswald turned around and put a hand on his knee, “Now’s the time to stop yourself.”

“Okay!” He chirped, stepping back. “Hmm, I wish I had a chair.”

“Well,” Oswald tilted his head, “I could cut away his jacket and then lay it on the ground for you.”

“Aww, what a gentleman.” Ed licked his lips.

Oswald sighed, shaking his head. “Hold on.” He started to run the knife expertly down the seams of the jacket, pulling it off and stripping away one of the sleeves. He stuffed it inside the cop’s mouth and tied it into a makeshift gag. “Would you say that’s enough?”

Ed shrugged, giggling, “He’s three sheets to the wind at this point.”

Oswald shrugged. “You’re probably right. Here,” He handed over the torn jacket, “It’s waterproof I think, so it should do nicely.”

“Ooh, thicker than cotton, stronger than polyester!” Ed carefully laid the fabric down. “This jacket won’t make me a protester!” He gently sat down.

“Good lord, he’s started rhyming again,” Oswald muttered just loud enough to be heard.

“Hey!” Ed crossed his arms. “I thought you liked my rhymes!”

“Yes dear.” Ed gasped. “Now, watch please.” He pouted but still shuffled around to get a good view.

“Okay, begin the show good sir!”

“Yes I–”

“Make this kitty purr!”

Oswald hung his head. “Holy shit.”

“Make this night a blur!” Ed crowed.

“Oh good lord, really?”

“It’s rhyme, not a slur!”

“Ed.” Oswald stepped over and knelt before him, that magnetic look in his eyes. He kissed Ed’s cheek. The world narrowed and swam and Ed’s heart was suddenly tumbling down a snowy bank. “Kindly shut up.”

Ed smiled. “‘Kay.”

Oswald nodded and returned to his task, cutting away the cop’s shirt with a little less finesse, tossing the strips aside carelessly.

“Hey!” Ed hissed.

“Don’t shout, Ed, for fucks sake,” Oswald whispered.

“Hey, can you give me his badge!” Ed asked. “I wanna keep it!”

“Okay, yes, just don’t scream at me.” Oswald passed him the badge and Ed grinned.

“Thank you.” He read the blurry name, squinting his eyes to push it into better focus. “Jay… James Hill.” Ed giggled, turning to wave the badge at the unconscious man. “H-hey, James Hill! I got your badge, James Hill! C-come get your badge, James Hill!”

The body remained still.

Ed frowned. “He’s not looking at me!”

“That’s because he’s unconscious, dear,” Oswald replied, busy carving his knife into the man’s chest.

“You don’t know that!” Ed insisted, “He could be faking!”

“Eddie, my dearest, I am literally pushing a knife through his flesh like it’s butter and he’s not even flinching. I think he’s unconscious.”

“Oh, so you _think_ he’s unconscious.”

“Dear lord.”

“You don’t _know_ he’s unconscious.” Ed crossed his arms. “Cut his eyelids off.”

“Really?” Oswald groaned.

“It’s the only way to make sure he pays attention!”

Officer Hill twitched.

“See! He’s awake,” Ed clapped, satisfied with the evidence laid out before them, “Time to do the deed.”

Oswald shook his head. “Ed, I’m not going to–”

“I dare you.” Oswald’s eyes changed and Ed beamed. “I _dare_ you!” He sang.

“Fuck.”

A minute later, two flaps of skin hemmed with lashes were thrown to the gutter and Oswald was looking at him like he was a travesty.

“You’re a travesty.”

“Hey!” Ed giggled, putting his hands up, “I just want us to get the respect we deserve!”

“Well, I doubt it made a difference. Look!” Oswald turned Officer Hill’s face toward him, “His eyes have rolled back into his head.”

“I...” Ed looked away, “...Dammit.”

Oswald shook his head. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth or dare?” Ed exhaled through his nose, shaking his head. “Dare to truth!”

“You are So. Fucking. Drunk.”

“See!” Ed snapped a finger-gun at him, “And that’s the _truth_.”

Oswald giggled, shaking his head. “Drag your jacker seat over here and watch me write this, okay?”

Ed smiled, a little dopey. “Okay.” He shuffled forward rather inefficiently, tugging the jacket a few inches at a time until he was by Oswald’s side. “Hi.”

Oswald laughed. “Hi there.”

He licked his lips. “You look pretty.”

“Yeah?” Oswald chuckled.

Ed swiped a dot of blood off Oswald’s nose then licked his finger clean. “Yeah.”

Oswald’s eyes didn’t look away and Ed didn’t dare to either. Slowly, Oswald’s gaze lowered to his lips. Ed exhaled, chest fluttering. A swallow moved down Oswald’s throat.

 _I dare you_ , was on the tip of Ed’s tongue, but Oswald beat him to it. “N-now you’re just distracting me, silly. Silly goose. Just watch, my friend, and be patient.”

Ed licked his lips and nodded. “Okay.”

Oswald returned to his knife and Ed didn’t look away. Those fingers splayed against this cop’s chest, shifting with the (admittedly) unconscious man’s shallow breaths. The tongue stuck between his teeth in pure (drunken) concentration. Those tremendous words bleeding down skin.

When he was finished, Oswald used his sleeve to wipe away the blood (which he certainly would never do sober) and turned to Ed. “What do you think?”

There was only one word. “Perfect.”

Written across James Hill’s chest were the words; _DoN’t fUck wiTh uS._ Stark red across bare skin.

Oswald giggled, nudging Ed’s shoulder with his own. “I’m glad you like it.”

Ed giggled too. “I do.”

Oswald nodded. “Truth or dare?”

“Dare.” Ed, leaned closer.

“I dare you…”

_Closer._

“To finish him off.” 

Ed blinked, breath stuttering, then subtly shifted away. “That, I can do.” He held out his hand for the knife and Oswald pressed it into his hand. Then, in pure punishment, Ed pressed the knife to the cop’s throat and _jerked._

“Fuck!” Oswald exclaimed as blood spattered across them and started splashing on the filthy concrete. “Ed!”

He merely laughed. “You should’ve seen your face!”

“How dare you!”

“That’s what you get!” He snickered.

“I told you not to do that!”

“It’s _raining!_ ” Ed giggled, wiping his eyes.

“Oh fuck you!” And, suddenly, Oswald was flicking a handful of blood at Ed's face.

It took several blinks for Ed to realise what had happened and to finally spit out the small amount that had gotten into his mouth. Oswald was grinning maniacally at him, practically rubbing his filthy hands together. “Oh,” Ed spat, “It’s _on_.”

He yelped as Ed flicked the knife at him, spraying him with the blood. “Take that!” He lightly smacked Ed’s cheek with his bloodied hand, smearing it wetly. Ed dragged his fingers through the blood and then through Oswald's hair. “Oh _no_.”

“Oh _yes._ ” And suddenly they were scooping up handfuls of the stuff, flinging it at each other between hysterical laughs and dramatic gasps. Oswald’s clothes were more red than anything else at this point and Ed suspected he looked much the same.

“Hey!” He exclaimed as Oswald got some in his open mouth again. “This guy could have an STI for all we know!”

Oswald poked his tongue out. “Guess we’re gonna go to the clinic later this week then, huh!”

Ed pouted. “You’re a menace!” He flicked blood at him but Oswald dodged it.

“Hah!” He exclaimed. “Missed me now you gotta kiss me!”

Oswald geared up with his next attack but Ed’s heart was beating wildly and he’d wanted this since that first hour in the club. “Then I guess I’ll just have to kiss you.”

He grabbed Oswald’s open collar in both hands and pulled him in. It was harsh and bloodied, teeth clacking at first before Ed found his rhythm and they just sank into it.

“Fuck,” Oswald whispered against his lips.

“I know.” Ed explored the inside of his mouth with his tongue. Wanted to know it, feel it, make a home there, move in forever.

_A break for breath._

Then back to it, sucking on Oswald’s tongue with all his want and care, shivering when it brushed the roof of his mouth.

Ed broke away. “I dare you to–”

Oswald started scrambling with his buttons. “Shut up.”

Ed grinned and kissed him again.

“Um.”

He laid down, half on the jacket, half on the concrete, and pulled Oswald down on top of him.

“Hello?”

Oswald groaned into his mouth and Ed moaned back, pushing his hands up his shirt.

“PENGUIN!”

Oswald started and they finally broke away, looking toward the voice. 

They blinked in tandem.

“Ah shit.”

“My thoughts exactly,” Ed whispered back. Oswald begrudgingly stood, and Ed did the same. “Hey there Jimbo! Long time no see!” He stuck his hand out for a shake but Jim only frowned at it.

“It’s Commissioner Gordon, now.”

“Right, of course!” Ed wiped his hand fruitlessly on his pant leg. “Commissioner.”

“Hey there, Jim!” Oswald smiled charmingly. “We were just walking by and–”

“And failed to notice the recently dead cop in the corner of your chosen make-out spot?” Jim raised an eyebrow.

“Exactly!” Ed laughed and clapped his hands. “How did you know?” 

“Must be the amazing detective work I’ve heard so much about,” Oswald snorted and Ed elbowed him to _not screw this up for them, oh my god!_

“Jim, it’s not what it looks like,” Ed insisted, “We really just found him like this!”

Jim tilted his head. “And I suppose all that red on your clothes is just wine.”

“Well, as a scholar of the law, you may have noticed that we have alcohol on our breath,” Ed huffed nervously, “So you never know.”

“What my good friend is trying to say,” Oswald quickly took over, clutching his arm, “Is that we may have been drinking before we began our walk! Of course we failed to properly realise this was the wrong place to share a private moment with a dead body nearby.” Oswald leaned forward with a grimace. “Alcohol can do such strange things.”

Jim sighed.

“I think he’s letting us go!” Ed whispered.

“I can hear you,” Jim pointed out. “Just face the wall for God’s sake.”

“You’re arresting us?!” Ed gasped.

“You’re arresting _us?_ ” Oswald agreed. “Well, well, _Jim_ ,” he tutted, shaking his head, “You should know better.” Suddenly he was snatching his umbrella. “Hold on, Ed!”

“Oh fuck, not again.”

“Oh boy!” Ed squealed, clutching Oswald tight. “I’m ready.”

Oswald pressed a button and the propellers were released.

“Fuck,” Jim pulled out his radio. “I need back up. Now.”

“Bye Jim!” Ed shouted down at him as they slowly rose out of the alleyway, hovering over the bar.

“Where to, my dear?” Oswald asked him.

Ed pressed his bloodied cheek against his chest. “Home.”

“Home it is.” And they flew off.

“...So, I never did find out which of your staff you–”

“Drop it, Ed, or I’ll drop _you_.”

“...Okay.” Ed nodded to himself. Probably for the best. “Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> I know this was slightly cracky, but I wanted to write something light-hearted after all the angst of last year. It's what we deserve!
> 
> If you enjoyed it, please leave a kudos/comment, I'd really appreciate your support!
> 
> Thanks, everyone <3


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